Gettin’ All My Ducks in a Row

Ducks in a row

©Tracy J. Thomas, 2011. All rights reserved.

So, according to Harold Camping I now have only three days left to get all my ducks in a row. On Saturday the Rapture will occur and Jesus’ six-month reign of torture will begin for all the slack-jawed, unsavory characters left behind after the Big Event.

Harold is positive Jesus will arrive at exactly 6:00pm on May 21st. When someone asked him if that was Pacific Standard time, Harold explained there will be an enormous rolling earthquake that will occur across the globe in whatever date or time zone one resides when one’s calendar and clock say May 21, 2011 and 6:00pm. This earthquake will be the sign that the Judgment Day and the Rapture have begun.

So, for instance, those who live through the earthquake and are left behind in Southeast Asia will be filing their missing person’s reports a whole day ahead of those of us here on the West Coast. And of course all our East coast black sheep family members will be calling all of us Pacific timer’s somewhere around 3:00pm (PT) to inform us of the quake and all the church buses mysteriously abandoned and piling up on the streets. But this will give us time to fall to our knees and repent our misdeeds before that final bell tolls.

For once being a Cali girl has its benefits.

Since the really big earthquake will happen at 6:00pm, rolling across the globe to chase the date and time zones, conceivably those who remain will still have a chance to outrun it. Theoretically speaking, If you live in Singapore, you will be able to miss it entirely if you fly to California on the 20th then fly back to Singapore on a plane that leaves SFO or LAX at 12:00am on the 21st Cali time. You will arrive back in Southeast Asia on the 22nd a whole day after the earthquake. However you might not be able to land. But it’s worth a shot…

What then happens to all those left behind following the Rapture? Well, Harold surmises, they will be tortured. Tortured by Jesus for a period of exactly six months.

Wait, wasn’t Jesus that hippie-like guy in the Bible who spread a message of love, forgiveness and tolerance? The same guy whose posse consisted of prostitutes, homeless peeps, murderers and thieves? Since when did he add torture to his resume?

Following six months of terror at the hands of that radical bad boy, the Son of God, Harold says the world will end in the Apocalypse. The exact date? October 21st, 2011 at, you guessed it, 6:00pm.

How did Harold come up with his prediction? Well, Harold is a civil engineer by trade and he used his brilliant 89-year-old mind and exceptional math skills to solve the following complicated word problem:

God shows us by the words of 2 Peter 3:8 that He wants us to know that exactly 7,000 years after He destroyed the world with water in Noah’s day, He plans to destroy the entire world forever (Noah being that eccentric guy with the scraggly beard and sandals who herded every living species of animal onto a really big boat in pairs). So if the year of Noah’s flood was 4990 B.C. and God plans on destroying the world exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, in what year will the world be destroyed?

Hmmmm…let’s see, 4990 BC + 7000 AD = 2012. Whew, we still have another year left of carefree debauchery.

Oh, but wait, wrong answer, I inadvertently left out a factor. I was never very good with word problems.

Let’s try again. 4990 BC + 7000 AD – 1 (one year is subtracted due to the fact there was never a year with the number of zero in the Roman calendar) = 2011. Oh my God! Harold must be right.

But, this is not the first time Harold has predicted the exact date of the Rapture. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, “On Sept. 6, 1994, dozens of Camping’s believers gathered inside Alameda’s Veterans Memorial Building to await the return of Christ, an event Camping had promised for two years. Followers dressed children in their Sunday best and held Bibles open-faced toward heaven.”

But alas, the world did not end then and camping admitted shortly thereafter that he may have made a “mathematical error.”

I have a strong inkling that come May 22nd, Camping’s crew will appear a bit red-faced and slack-jawed before him as they wonder why they still have their feet planted firmly on terra firma. And they will be just a tad bit worried after handing over their life savings to the man who more than likely never received anything higher than a C minus in math.

Party on Post Harold Camping Rapture people. Party on.

About tracyth76

I am a professional photographer, obsessed iPhoneographer, freelance writer and website designer located in Northern, California. View all posts by tracyth76

5 responses to “Gettin’ All My Ducks in a Row

  • Madge Woods

    I can’t wait to see their faces with no money and no more jobs. How do people follow someone like this? I guess they are searching for the magic koolaid and just miss the real life they could be having. It is really sad. I live happy. Thanks for this today. It made me even happier because I am not one of them.

  • Hollye Dexter

    This is why I love you.
    Smart AND funny. You made me laugh out loud.
    Sooooo good.

  • Debra

    Love the “fly out ahead of it” strategy! Great work!!!! 😀

  • Judy

    Love the earthquake calculations! Will Jesus waterboard do you think???

  • Donald Sanders

    You are so smart, I would have never thought about the singaport thingy. Think I’ll try that if the confession thing doesn’t work. Also, that hippy guy was a different Jesus. The new one is really pissed off and he’s on his way and hell is comming with him on a black horse. I think that’s the way it goes.

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